Displaced Bad Guys and Forgiveness

Many times in cowboy movies the good guys wear white hats and the bad guys wear black hats. This week I been thinking about the figurative hats I give people to wear, and how there are some instances where I give good guys black hats. I have been contemplating forgiveness, and a phenomenon I am starting to call the "displaced bad guy."

"Displaced aggression" is when you take your frustration and anger on an inanimate object - like a punching bag, or going for a run, or whatever. I think there are situations that come up all the time when our frustration and anger for bad guys are projected onto non-bad guys. They become "displaced bad guys."

Here's an example, and the genesis of this line of thinking.

The Third Party Displaced Bad Guy

I am quite close to Mr. Darcy who was swindled out of a lot of money by Mr. Wickham. It caused Mr. Darcy a lot of pain and grief, especially because of the breach of trust. It was not easy for Mr. Darcy to forgive Mr. Wickham. It was a long road, and progress was slow.

Sometime afterwards I was in a church class where the topic was forgiveness. One person made the statement, "I don't see what the big deal is about forgiveness. It's not that hard."

The statement didn't sit well with me. Not the necessity to forgive, but the easiness of it - he made it sound so trivial. I explained briefly Mr. Darcy's situation, and mentioned it was hard for him to forgive Mr. Wickham. I then suggested that sometimes forgiveness takes time, especially when the wounds are deep. That sparked quite the debate. Surprisingly, Mr. Darcy became the bad guy for not being able to forgive immediately. Some in the class wanted to hand Mr. Darcy a black hat. It caught me off guard a little. Mr. Darcy was not the bad guy -- Mr. Wickham was. That is one example of a displace bad guy.

Some people take a while to find the road to forgiveness. Some take a long time to walk that road. But regardless of the pace, I don't think forgiveness is ever easy. Finding fault with someone because they have a slow pace to forgiveness makes them into bad guy and wounds them yet again. Perhaps the situation should be looked at with a wider lens. Direction is much more important than speed.

My take-away: I need to recognize I'm displacing the bad guy if I ever want to say something like, "Why can't you just let it go" or "Get over it already." I need to make sure I don't injure Mr. Darcy myself by labeling him a bad guy.

The Associative Displaced Bad Guy

Another type of displaced bad guy is described by the phrase, "The friend of my enemy is my enemy." The associative displaced bad guy is labeled a bad guy because they have some association with a bad guy. Let's suppose that Ms. Bennett does something nice for Mr. Wickham. If Mr. Darcy then takes offense at Ms. Bennett and treats her as if she had done all of the things Mr. Wickham had done, she is a displaced bad guy by association -- the hurt associated with Mr. Wickham becomes displaced toward Ms. Bennett.

This type of displaced bad guy has many forms and affects children as well as adults. An example would be the high school student who says, "I can't believe you were talking to him. Don't you know he dumped Elizabeth yesterday? He really hurt her feelings."

My take-away: This is such a difficult situation. If I were Mr. Darcy, I need to be certain I am treating Ms. Bennett according to our relationship, and not treat her as if she had done the same things as Mr. Wickham. Were I Ms. Bennett, I'm not really sure what I would do. I would certainly want to be sensitive to the feelings of Mr. Darcy if known.

Forgiveness

As I have pondered displaced bad guys and forgiveness, I have come to four conclusions.

1. It is very easy to create a displaced bad guy. Now that I'm paying attention to it, I see it happening all the time.
2. A sincerely felt "I'm sorry" is rare. I think a sincere forgiveness is even more rare.
3. It is my opinion that anyone who thinks it is easy to forgive has never been deeply hurt themselves.
4. I recognize that I have never been deeply hurt. Because I don't have those wounds, I recognize that I am more likely to label others as guys.

I recalled the last conference talk given by President James E. Faust in April 2007 entitled, "The Healing Power of Forgiveness." I hope I will remember this talk if I ever am deeply hurt. The talk was mostly about a tragedy that happened in an Amish community, and how there was "hurt but not hate."

Most of us need time to work through pain and loss. We can find all manner of reasons for postponing forgiveness. One of these reasons is waiting for the wrongdoers to repent before we forgive them. Yet such a delay causes us to forfeit the peace and happiness that could be ours. The folly of rehashing long-past hurts does not bring happiness.

Some hold grudges for a lifetime, unaware that courageously forgiving those who have wronged us is wholesome and therapeutic.

Forgiveness comes more readily when, like the Amish, we have faith in God and trust in His word. Such faith "enables people to withstand the worst of humanity. It also enables people to look beyond themselves. More importantly, it enables them to forgive."

My take-away: I hope I never give good guys black hats. By recognizing the types of situations where that is likely to happen, perhaps I will better avoid causing someone further injury. And if I am ever handed a black hat or if I ever encounter a Mr. Wickham, I hope I am able to frankly forgive and work through the anguish without anger.