On Being Reprimanded

Have you ever had an experience that you continue to ponder and wonder how you might have reacted differently? This is a conversation I replay lots in my mind.

I was a leader at a summer youth activity many years ago watching Napoleon Dynamite on a neighbor’s front lawn. There were a couple dozen 12 and 13-year-olds having a good time watching and quoting the movie. About an hour into the show I received a phone call from the baby-sitter of one of the young men whom we had seen leave the event a few minutes earlier. (His parents were away on an extended trip.) After introducing herself on the phone, she started on a strong tirade about how the young man had been treated. She really let me have it – how scouts should be a safe place and how there is no place for bullying and that the young man was distraught. I’ve never been chastised with such vigor as I was by this temporary babysitter whom I have never met.

But this post isn’t about bullying. I’m glad the babysitter was willing to stand up for the perceived injustice. But the reason this conversation replays itself frequently in my mind the minuscule amount of information the babysitter had about the perceived injustice, the boys involved, and their histories – or even that the young man was occasionally the one bullying. If I could change my response, I think I would include one additional sentence –

“The problem and its solution are much larger than your present understanding.”  

Facebook is a great example of this. Everyday people learn of an injustice and quickly pull out their sword, so to speak, and start swinging at dragons. Frequently things are written that would never be said in person – and usually with a slight comprehension of the situation. Perhaps an adequate response is –

“The problem and its solution are much larger than your present understanding.”  

I get caught up myself. I have seen people swinging swords about school lunch, about the length of school vacation at Christmas, about this or that political issue. I have friends in city government who dutifully listen to complaints.  Most of the time I think their responses to complaints could be –

“The problem and its solution are much larger than your present understanding.”

It applies also to matters of church history and doctrine. We judge history with societies current prejudices and our limited knowledge. People get “stirred up” and are quick to launch into complaints and criticisms. Many times, I think, the concern criticisms can be answered with -

“The problem and its solution are much bigger than your present understanding.”

Joseph Smith commented about people getting worked up about perceived injustice. 

“I have tried for a number of years to get the minds of the Saints prepared to receive the things of God; but we frequently see some of them, after suffering all they have for the work of God, will fly to pieces like glass as soon as anything comes that is contrary to their traditions: they cannot stand the fire at all.”  (Jan. 20, 1844.) DHC 6:183-185.

When I start to get worked up and feel like I need to speak with "all the energy of my soul," this is the time to learn more and speak less. How invested am I in this outcome? How critical is this outcome in the long term? How likely is my getting upset going to change the outcome?  (Perhaps in future reflections I can share stories of the two times in my adult life I have been upset - The story of the ripped shoe, and my college Portuguese test.)

Several scriptures come to mind on this topic. Here are a couple –

James 1:19

Wherefore, my beloved brethren, let every man be swift to hear, slow to speak, slow to wrath:

Proverbs 4:7

Wisdom is the principal thing; therefore get wisdom: and with all thy getting get understanding. 

What scriptures would you include?

Gospel Insights from an Orange Hat

I am a little bit reluctant to write this post. I am going to share a secret that I’m not sure I want to divulge. The Man in Black perceived that if word got out it would be “nothing but work, work, work.”

A phenomenon manifests itself every day in youth concerts, dance recitals, sporting events, and even graduation ceremonies – wherever there are some members of families (or close friends) are participating in an event, and other family members are observing.  Even though the family members were likely together 10 minutes before, once a family member is on a stage or field or wherever, usually separated by only a short distance, there is a desire to connect with the observing family. The family in the stands is equally zealous to wave and acknowledge the family member participating. 

“Hi mom!” the participant waves. “Can you see me?” 

“Yes!” the mom shouts and waves back. “We’re right here watching you! You can do this!”

Once acknowledgement between parties is achieved, all becomes right with the world.

My daughter was in marching band last year.  Marching band is no different – participants and observers want to connect with each other. Marching band, however, requires a little more decorum. Participants typically cannot move out of place, or wave. Football stadiums are large places and even if the band members could move, they would still have a hard time locating their family and friends scanning row by row, section by section. Many families shout cheers for their participants as the band enters the field. The cheers sound like encouragement, but mostly they are meant to connect with the participants. The cheers convey the meaning, “We are here in the cold to cheer you on. We are connected.”

I love my daughter. When she performed, I wanted her to know where I was – that I could see her and was cheering for her, and that she is not alone.  I wanted a more sure method of her finding me than a cheer. So during every performance, just before her band was about to perform, I would put on an orange hunting cap. I told my daughter that we would try to sit near the 45-yard line (her starting position) and to look for the orange cap. She was always able to find us – even at a competition that was particularly cold and 8 other people were wearing orange caps. (This is my reluctance on sharing my secret.)

I have reflected on this situation from both my point of view, and from my daughters.  I wanted my daughter to know where we were. Similarly, in this big world, I want to make it as easy as possible for God to find me. So I am going to be where he expects me to be, and do what he expects me to do. As his great and marvelous work unfolds, I want him to know that I am present. As a participant in this mortal play, I find comfort knowing that I have a heavenly parents and family cheering me on, that I’m not alone, and I feel connected.

We aren’t adrift in the universe after some cosmic accident, entertaining ourselves until entropy’s final victory. We have a loving parents who brought us here. We have family members that have already played their part and are now observers. We are separated briefly for this mortal event. Participants and observers are still anxious to connect with one another until they are together again at the end of the event. How joyous that will be. 

63 Draw near unto me and I will draw near unto you; seek me diligently and ye shall find me; ask, and ye shall receive; knock, and it shall be opened unto you. (D&C 88:63)

“Hi dad!” the participant waves. “Can you see me?” 

Gospel Lessons From Marching Band

My daughter participated in her high school’s marching band this year. I, frankly, was glad she bypassed the first couple years she was eligible because it is much more of a commitment than when I was in school. But some of her band friends recruited her, and she was in. 

And it was hard. There were long practice hours, sometimes 20 hours a week during the school year, and 50+ during the summer camps.  They experienced the extremes of summer heat and sub zero temperatures at the end. (Spit valves were freezing shut.) The music was challenging. There was pressure to be better, to play louder, and to be precise with every movement.  There were occasional people problems – the forming and storming that comes with group dynamics before the norming and performing. At times the band director was more drill sergeant than director, and many students perceived that he was long on criticism and short on praise.  But they persisted. 

Competitions began and they did well – some competitions were better than others. With each competition there were small tweaks and more practicing. Make it louder, clearer, more precise! Louder, clearer, more precise!  And there were many more hours of practice. 

The final competition of the year was held in Saint George, Utah. Bands from all the western states were there. The band performed well and they were loud, clear, and precise. We had seen several of the Utah bands many times during the season, and everyone improved. Many of the shows from out of state were quite different. I thought my daughter’s band was probably going to take 3rd.  I hoped they would be happy with their performance regardless of a judges’ subjective score. 

Then the scores were announced. My daughter’s band not only won, but they won by a wider margin than the rest of the season. Parents went onto the field to congratulate their kids. My daughter was the happiest I have ever seen her. Tears of joy flowed freely. She was anxious to see us and to share her happiness with us. It is hard to express that kind of joy with words.

Could my daughter have had the same joy if practice had not been so hard? Does ease ever produce the same joy? I don’t think so. It is the hard things - the long term things that require the most commitment that bring the most joy. Marriage and parenting aren’t always easy – there is always work and problems and refining and moving forward. Yet, these relationships bring profound joy. Church service can be difficult and time consuming. It can be hard to mold my desires and keep the commandments and yield to the enticings of the Spirit. Yet when I do, and persist, I find joy. 

Lehi taught that without passing through misery, we wouldn’t know joy. Eve reflected, “Were it not for our transgression we never should have had seed, and never should have known good and evil, and the joy of our redemption, and the eternal life which God giveth unto all the obedient.”  (Moses 5:11)

So life is hard. See it through. Do your best to be clear and more precise. The best things in life are hard. Joy awaits in the long term. 

(My daughter plays trumpet and starts at the front, 5th from the right)