Displaced Bad Guys and Forgiveness

Many times in cowboy movies the good guys wear white hats and the bad guys wear black hats. This week I been thinking about the figurative hats I give people to wear, and how there are some instances where I give good guys black hats. I have been contemplating forgiveness, and a phenomenon I am starting to call the "displaced bad guy."

"Displaced aggression" is when you take your frustration and anger on an inanimate object - like a punching bag, or going for a run, or whatever. I think there are situations that come up all the time when our frustration and anger for bad guys are projected onto non-bad guys. They become "displaced bad guys."

Here's an example, and the genesis of this line of thinking.

The Third Party Displaced Bad Guy

I am quite close to Mr. Darcy who was swindled out of a lot of money by Mr. Wickham. It caused Mr. Darcy a lot of pain and grief, especially because of the breach of trust. It was not easy for Mr. Darcy to forgive Mr. Wickham. It was a long road, and progress was slow.

Sometime afterwards I was in a church class where the topic was forgiveness. One person made the statement, "I don't see what the big deal is about forgiveness. It's not that hard."

The statement didn't sit well with me. Not the necessity to forgive, but the easiness of it - he made it sound so trivial. I explained briefly Mr. Darcy's situation, and mentioned it was hard for him to forgive Mr. Wickham. I then suggested that sometimes forgiveness takes time, especially when the wounds are deep. That sparked quite the debate. Surprisingly, Mr. Darcy became the bad guy for not being able to forgive immediately. Some in the class wanted to hand Mr. Darcy a black hat. It caught me off guard a little. Mr. Darcy was not the bad guy -- Mr. Wickham was. That is one example of a displace bad guy.

Some people take a while to find the road to forgiveness. Some take a long time to walk that road. But regardless of the pace, I don't think forgiveness is ever easy. Finding fault with someone because they have a slow pace to forgiveness makes them into bad guy and wounds them yet again. Perhaps the situation should be looked at with a wider lens. Direction is much more important than speed.

My take-away: I need to recognize I'm displacing the bad guy if I ever want to say something like, "Why can't you just let it go" or "Get over it already." I need to make sure I don't injure Mr. Darcy myself by labeling him a bad guy.

The Associative Displaced Bad Guy

Another type of displaced bad guy is described by the phrase, "The friend of my enemy is my enemy." The associative displaced bad guy is labeled a bad guy because they have some association with a bad guy. Let's suppose that Ms. Bennett does something nice for Mr. Wickham. If Mr. Darcy then takes offense at Ms. Bennett and treats her as if she had done all of the things Mr. Wickham had done, she is a displaced bad guy by association -- the hurt associated with Mr. Wickham becomes displaced toward Ms. Bennett.

This type of displaced bad guy has many forms and affects children as well as adults. An example would be the high school student who says, "I can't believe you were talking to him. Don't you know he dumped Elizabeth yesterday? He really hurt her feelings."

My take-away: This is such a difficult situation. If I were Mr. Darcy, I need to be certain I am treating Ms. Bennett according to our relationship, and not treat her as if she had done the same things as Mr. Wickham. Were I Ms. Bennett, I'm not really sure what I would do. I would certainly want to be sensitive to the feelings of Mr. Darcy if known.

Forgiveness

As I have pondered displaced bad guys and forgiveness, I have come to four conclusions.

1. It is very easy to create a displaced bad guy. Now that I'm paying attention to it, I see it happening all the time.
2. A sincerely felt "I'm sorry" is rare. I think a sincere forgiveness is even more rare.
3. It is my opinion that anyone who thinks it is easy to forgive has never been deeply hurt themselves.
4. I recognize that I have never been deeply hurt. Because I don't have those wounds, I recognize that I am more likely to label others as guys.

I recalled the last conference talk given by President James E. Faust in April 2007 entitled, "The Healing Power of Forgiveness." I hope I will remember this talk if I ever am deeply hurt. The talk was mostly about a tragedy that happened in an Amish community, and how there was "hurt but not hate."

Most of us need time to work through pain and loss. We can find all manner of reasons for postponing forgiveness. One of these reasons is waiting for the wrongdoers to repent before we forgive them. Yet such a delay causes us to forfeit the peace and happiness that could be ours. The folly of rehashing long-past hurts does not bring happiness.

Some hold grudges for a lifetime, unaware that courageously forgiving those who have wronged us is wholesome and therapeutic.

Forgiveness comes more readily when, like the Amish, we have faith in God and trust in His word. Such faith "enables people to withstand the worst of humanity. It also enables people to look beyond themselves. More importantly, it enables them to forgive."

My take-away: I hope I never give good guys black hats. By recognizing the types of situations where that is likely to happen, perhaps I will better avoid causing someone further injury. And if I am ever handed a black hat or if I ever encounter a Mr. Wickham, I hope I am able to frankly forgive and work through the anguish without anger.

What is heaven like?

In the past few days some things have happened that have reminded me of what I expect heaven to be. It seems like in the last month or so I have run into many friends from my youth and college days and have pondered some of the the fun experiences we have had that cauterized our friendships.

And yesterday my brother-in-law received his endowment at the Timpanogos Temple. It was a wonderful experience. Lots of people from their ward came to participate with them. He and my sister currently live in the ward where I was raised so I knew lots of people. Three of my childhood heros were there, Brother Cook, my only home teaching companion growing up, Brother Johnson, a Boy Scout leader, and Brother Hunt, my explorer scout leader. I have great respect and admiration for these people.

So as I was in the temple pondering these experiences, surrounded by people I love, happy for the progression of someone I am close to, I was reminded again that heaven isn't harps and choirs, it's being surrounded by people you love.

I reflected on a journal entry I had written years earlier. Bill Cox, another hero from my youth, was speaking in sacrament meeting of my mom's ward where my wife and I were visiting. Bill was the high council speaker. As he spoke I had a flood of love and emotion come over me as I remembered all the good he had done for our family. Then I had the thought that this is what heaven will be like - it won't be filled with friendly but unfamiliar faces, but we will be surrounded with people we love. And when we see the Savior again, he won't be an austere and impersonal authoritarian, but rather we will have a flood of similar emotion - of our interactions with him, of his demonstrated love for us, and our desire to be close to him. That is my view of heaven, and I think I am scripturally sound.

What is your view of Heaven?

Standing Ovations

I have been thinking about what I can do to remedy something that gets me cranky: standing ovations. I haven't been to a performance for a long time that did not receive a standing ovation. So I ask myself, what's the point.

What does a standing ovation mean anyway? Should they be given to whomever for whatever? Are there any standards? Is it like multiple exclamation points at the end of a sentence? Is "Fun!" any less fun than "Fun!!!" I had a writing teacher once suggest that you should only use five exclamation points throughout your lifetime. She informed the class that she had already used two, and that in retrospect she thought one of those times was frivolous. Consequently, I don't write with many exclamation points, and I don't give many standing ovations.

My English teacher's comment got me thinking - what if people were only allowed to give 5 standing ovations in their life. Then if someone were to give a standing ovation it would really mean something. After some thinking about this issue, I came up with the following business idea.

Everyone will be issued 5 STOV cards. If you stand as part of an ovation, you must remit one of your cards to the performer. The performer will endorse the card and receive $20 for each card submitted. Naturally performers will be interested in gathering the cards, and it will inspire them to give great performances. Endorsed cards will be double checked for validity and then cataloged.

I am aware that some people will need more than 5 STOV cards, so extra cards can be purchased from me for $100 each. This will force each audience member to better scrutinize each performance. “I liked the performance, but did I like it $100 worth?”

For those people who have surplus STOV cards, they can be returned to me for a 20% restocking fee, or they can be traded on the open market. Returned STOV cards can be purchased for $90.

I'm going to call this new venture, "Clap and Trade."

Any thoughts or improvements?

Methods and Aims

I taught Sunday School Gospel Doctrine class today. The topic was numbers 11-13, 21. Numbers is about the whiny, ungreatful children of Israel and how they are always complaining to Moses. My lesson was about how the Israelites frequently lost sight of their miraculous suroundings and confused methods with aims.

"Methods" and "aims" are words I have picked up from scouting. An aim of scouting is to become trustworthy, loyal, helpful, friendly, etc. and to do your duty to God, your country, among other things. One method to achieve those aims is advancement. A problem comes when a scout treats rank advancements, particularly becoming an Eagle, as an aim and not a method -- or as a destination not a way to get there.

The latter half of Exodus and the book of Numbers are really case studies on how to lose sight of your goal - the Lord is trying to take them to the promised land and along the way provides mana, water, quail, healings, and lots of other miracles to protect, guide, and sustain them. They complain that they only have mana to eat. They complain that Moses is just on a power trip. They complain that they don't have anything to drink. They complain about the environment. They complain that even the promised land is uninhabitable. They complain that life was better when they were slaves. Each of those trials becomes the focus and they lose sight of the goal.

Here are some interesting things I thought of as I was studying for this lesson -

• Where is the promised land? For Moses and the Israelites it was the land of Canaan. But for Nephi, they left Jerusalem in the land of Canaan to go somewhere else. I think the promised land is not really a place but rather Eternal Life. That is where the Lord wants to take us.
• I compared the story of the Israelites with the stories of Limhi's and Alma's escape from the city of Nephi-Lehi. Limhi's people were more like the Israelites how they were slow to follow the Lord, and tried to fight their way out. Alma's people, on the other hand, were submissive and depended on the Lord from the start. Their fears were calmed, their backs were strengthened, and they were eventually delivered. How frequently I find myself fighting my challenges when I should be relying on the lord.
• I also liked the comparison of the Israelites to Lehi's dream of the iron rod and the tree of life.
  
• Numbers 21 talks about the "fiery serpents" that came among the Israelites. There is an interesting comparison to 1 Ne 17:41. Nephi calls them "fiery flying serpents." There is an interesting side note that one of the Gods of the ancient indians in Mexico was the feathered serpent.
  
• I have a lot more respect for Bishops, Primary Presidents, Young Women Presidents, and Relief Society Presidents. Of everyone in a ward, I think these 4 people are they ones that hear and deal with the most complaining and have to do the most problem solving. Everyone else has people to turn to, but these make all of the hard decisions, and deal with all of the hard issues. I am very grateful and hope not to add any burdens to their shoulders.
  
• Finally, I find the types of Christ so obvious in these chapters. He is the bread of life. He is the sacrificial lamb. He is the one raised up that if we will look upon him, we will live. "For God so loved the world that whoso believeth on him should not perish but have everlasting life. (John 3:16)"
  

Eternal life is the destination. Christ is the way, the method. We grow from our challenges and trials to become more like the savior.

Ironically, perhaps, after church I went to an Eagle Court of Honor where three young men were presented with their Eagles. I helped all three of them with their paperwork. One presented me with a mentor pin. Very nice. I hope they remember they are not "done" with scouting. Rank advancements and scouting too, and just methods to help us on our forward progression to Eternal Life.

Milksicles

So the other day, I'm not even sure how it came up, Nancy and I were telling our kids our experiences with milksicles. As a kid, did you ever try to make ice cream by putting a cup of milk in the freezer? I remember that we had just made some homemade popsicles by putting punch in an ice cube tray, covering it with plastic wrap and poking toothpicks into each cube.

I liked them so much poured myself a cup of milk, put a spoon in it, and put the cup in the freezer. The next day I worked the frozen milk out of the cup and stood there for a minute salivating at the wonderful ice cream concoction I had created. I took a big lick across the milksicle as I would have licked a large ice cream cone...

And gagged. It was the WORST thing I had ever tasted. And because I was in the basement, there wasn't a sink close by where I could get a drink. I couldn't get the taste out of my mouth. How could something so good as milk (especially with chocolate in it) taste so bad frozen? It took seemingly hours for the taste to go away.

So Nancy and I were sharing our experiences with our kids, telling them they can trust us - milksicles taste gross. They don't have to try it for themselves, we have already done that. If they would take our word for it they will be saved a distasteful learning experience.

Since sharing the experience, it's amazing how many times we have called something else a milksicle. A few girls steal some makeup, "They just had to try the milksicle." Almost every news article is about someone who didn't believe milksicles taste gross. The scriptures, prophets, teachers, and parents are all trying to point out the milksicles and identify the real ice cream.

I hope our kids take our word for a lot of things. Milksicles are gross.

Thank you, Grandpa

I spent most of the day today moving dirt with a shovel and a wheelbarrow. After a day of lifting, tossing, turning, dumping and smoothing I am sore from my neck to my toes.

I suppose some people turn off their brain when they do physical labor, but my mind races. I contemplate everything from the composition of the soil, to the family life of the bugs I am dislodging, and getting after myself for putting the labor off so long. Frequently I contemplate the lessons Jesus taught about farming and soil. At times I think about my father - how he stayed fit by working in the dirt and how he loved the lessons dirt teaches.

But today as I dug in the dirt, and hurt, I was greatful for grandpa. He was born and raised just outside of Preston, Idaho. He was a farmer and dairyman by profession. For much of his life he didn't have many "things." He was not a wealthy man. He homesteaded a farm on the top of a sand hill overlooking the bear river (I think that is the name). The land was sandy and hilly and unfit for farming. But it was what grandpa had, and he make it work. The story is told about how we would take his small tractor out with just a blade and spend hour after hour scraping the hills trying to flatten out the land enough to farm. He made do with what he had. He maximized what he had to try to improve his situation. He was successful, acre by acre. He created a beautiful farm with fertile fields.

Grandpa's fields are still farmed today. Here is what the farm looks like today. Notice all of the fields to the north.


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That was a good lesson for me, as I was just trying to level out a small garden spot, and build up some flower beds. Thank you, Grandpa, for making due with what you had, and making the most of it.

Letter to Congressman Matheson

I received a letter from Congressman Matheson about health care that really upset me. This was my response. I know the response is too long to be effective, but it felt good to vent and put some ideas down on paper.

Congressman Matheson,

I wanted to respond to some points of your letter about health care.

Statement #1: "Skyrocketing health care costs are straining family budgets, threatening the survival of small businesses and exploding our national deficit."

I hear a lot about skyrocketing health care costs. Few politicians, however, seem to attribute this increase to its true sources. Greg Poulsen of Intermountain Healthcare points to utilization and technology as the greatest increases to costs. No longer is a two view x-ray sufficient for a sprained ankle - which cost about $60. Now a $2000 MRI is required - required either by the patient who is aware of the technology, by the lawyer who might sue for malpractice if the doctor doesn't give the most complete care possible, or by the physician who may own a fraction of the MRI facility.

All the government can do to stem those costs would be to limit the amount of money a facility can charge for an MRI. What would the effects of price limitations be? It would mean that people would no longer want to build MRI facilities because they wouldn't be worth the cost. Availability would go down, quality would go down, and pretty soon going to get an MRI would be like standing in line at the DMV.

Also, I am fine with paying for my family. I have some choice as a consumer how those dollars are spent, and if I want to spend it at all. I get more upset over the amount I spend for Medicare and Medicaid, of which I have no control.

Statement #2: "Health care costs are the number one driver of our long-term deficits."

I would like you to explain this one a little more. Are you saying that Medicare and Medicaid are expensive and we can't pay for them?

Frankly, medicare is the cause of many of the problems with the health system today. Insurers know that if they can hold off on a particular procedure until the patient is 65 (or whatever the age is), the government will pick up the tab instead of the insurer. So it pays them to ease the patient along instead of fixing the problem until the government will pick up the tab.

Statement #3: "A third of the $2 trillion spent on health care in this country goes towards administrative costs, not to patient care. We need a more efficient, less bureaucratic system."

This statement makes me laugh. The federal government is the cause for this overhead. So why would an additional system make the process less bureaucratic?

I work on a team for Intermrountain Healthcare that is responsible to submit CMS' "core measures" to the federal government. The report requirements, when printed, are 5 inches tall. AND THEY CHANGE QUARTERLY, sometimes even more frequently. Nearly a quarter of our staff worked on the project to keep our submissions updated. Eventually it became too complicated and we had to outsource the process. The government is the cause of the overhead. So how can you use this as the impetus of reform? Just change what you already created. Creating additional bureaucracy will not eliminate bureaucracy.

Statement #4: "Insurers should not be able to deny coverage based on pre-existing conditions."

Insurers are in the insurance business to make money. Unlike the federal government they cannot print money when they run out (which practice I wish the government would stop doing). By forcing insurance companies to pay for everything for everyone, you know you are forcing them out of business. In the end, then, there will only be a single payer left standing - not because they are the best, offer the best service, or have the best outcomes, but because make money by printing it.

Summary
At the fundamental core of this debate should be this question - Do I have a fundamental right to force you to pay for my health care?

My answer is no. And you don't have the right to force me to pay for your health care.

We are Americans. We ask how we can help our country, not what government programs we are entitled to.

We are Americans. We the people sustain the government, the government doesn't sustain us.

We are Americans. We believe that we were all created equal, not that we are going to die equal. We don't buy into socialism.

We are Americans. We created a limited federal authority and reserved power for states and local governments. We didn't and don't want a king. Give us back the 10th amendment.

Please reform health care by removing some of the federal influence, not by imposing more.

Brian Rawlings